Runaway
by Amber Blade
Summary: Sirius reflects during three key moments in his life. Songfic based on Runaway Train by Soul Asylum.


**Disclaimer:** None of this is mine. Lyrics belong to Soul Asylum; characters and situations belong to JK Rowling. The third part is pulled almost entirely from Ch. 35 of _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix._

**Author's Note: ** This story is based on a plot bunny suggested by Remus's Nymph on Fiction Alley to basiscally use this song. And since I love the song I thought I'd go for it. It was hard but rewarding getting into Sirius's head; he's so unlike me.

**Runaway**

_Call you up in the middle of the night  
Like a firefly without a light  
You were there like a blow torch burnin'  
I was a key that could use a little turnin'_

_So tired that I couldn't even sleep  
So many secrets I couldn't keep  
Promised myself I wouldn't weep  
One more promise I couldn't keep_

_It seems no one can help me now  
I'm in too deep; there's no way out  
This time I have really led myself astray_

I fly through the countryside, all the time wondering if I should turn back. But no, it's too late now. Dawn is already brightening the sky. Soon Mother will wake, she'll find my room empty, she'll see the note. She'll probably yell at Regulus, insisting that he had something to do with it, that he must have known, but he didn't. On second thought, more likely she'll be glad I'm gone, glad to be rid of her horrible, blood-traitor of a son. Well, good on her. As if I ever asked _her _to give a damn.

Face it, the so-called "noble" house of Black is falling apart. Andromeda married a Muggle-born and had a kid, for crying out loud. I still laugh sometimes, remembering Mother's reaction when she found out. Not that anyone had written _her _about it, but when I got the owl from Andy I just had to tell her. Just to see the look on her face. And now I'm leaving, too. I would have liked to bring Regulus along, once upon a time. But there's no getting through to him anymore. He made his choices.

I remember the first time he called Remus a half-breed. He'd been furious, thinking I'd revealed his secret. I had to explain that Regulus wasn't referring to that, but to his parentage. We'd been about thirteen, and Regulus just a first-year, and there might have been a chance to still get through to him. But at that age, after seeing him hurt Remus like that, I didn't even want to try. I try to urge my broom to go faster.

I can see the house now, getting closer, and closer, and finally I'm there. I touch down in front, hoping I don't wake anyone. It doesn't matter. James opens the door before I can even knock. "I was waiting for you. I wasn't sure you'd come." He lets me in and goes to get my trunk himself. The house is warm, inviting. I suddenly realize how cold I am from flying all night. But Mrs. Potter offers me a cup of coffee and tells me breakfast will be ready in a bit, and I wonder why I didn't come here sooner.

_Can you help me remember how to smile  
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile  
How on earth did I get so jaded  
Life's mystery seems so faded_

_I can go where no one else can go  
I know what no one else knows  
Here I am just drownin' in the rain  
With a ticket for a runaway train_

_And everything seems cut and dry  
Day and night, earth and sky  
Somehow I just don't believe it_

I pull myself onto the rocky beach and shake off the salt water. I can still taste it, and hope I find a stream or something soon. Not yet though. Now, while it's still dark, I turn back into a man, just so I can take in my freedom. I feel the rain on my face, the wind in my hair, and I can barely keep from crying out with the gloriousness of it. I can't stay long though. Soon they'll notice I'm missing, and by then I have to be long gone. I wonder if I should try to find Remus first, just to see if he'll listen...

No. I can't. He suspected me to begin with. Not that I was any better. And yet, we knew it had to be one of us. Who would have suspected Peter? And that's how this all got started in the first place. This is my mess, I created it, and I'm the only one who can fix it. And I can only do that by killing Peter. I'm the only one who knows the truth. I'm the only one who can make sure justice is done. And when that's done, finally I can...

I turn back to a dog. They will be looking for me soon. I need Padfoot's single-mindedness to focus on my goal. Then I can worry about what comes next. I can worry about what to tell Remus, Harry, and everyone else. But first I want to see Harry, just to make sure he's all right. I stretch my back legs and start to work my way inland.

_Bought a ticket for a runaway train  
Like a madman laughin' at the rain  
Little outta touch, little insane  
Just easier than dealin with the pain_

_Runaway train never goin' back  
Wrong way on a one way track  
Seems like I should be getting somewhere  
Somehow I'm neither here nor there_

_Runaway train never comin' back  
Runaway train tearin' up the track  
Runaway train burnin' in my veins  
I run away but it always seems the same_

_Harry's in danger._ That's the only thought that matters. Not even the idea that Snivellus might be lying can take hold on my frantic mind. I certainly wouldn't put it past him to use Harry against me, but it's a chance I can't afford to take. I'm not taking any risks with Harry's safety. Not again. I briefly wonder if the rat will be there, but I quickly put the thought out of my mind. I need to stay focused.

I run into a circular chamber in the Department of Mysteries. There's something almost familiar about this place, but I can't dwell on it just now. Spells are flying all over the room, a number of them coming from Harry's wand. I feel a moment of pride, then remember why I'm here. I jump into the fray. I remember fighting like this; way back when. I can feel the adrenaline, the exhilaration running through me. But I also remember why I'm here. I spare a glance for Harry, but he's nowhere to be seen. Good, he's escaped

That's when I hear his voice and see Dolohov keel over. "Nice one!" I shout. "Now I want you to get out of --" I'm interrupted by the sight of Tonks tumbling down the stairway. I look up to the place from which she fell. _Bella. _I run after her. "Harry, take the prophecy, grab Neville, and run," I yell over my shoulder. Bella and I exchange curses. Now that I've gotten Harry out of danger, I can really enjoy this. There's a certain...freedom in battle. Just knowing that nothing else matters but your skills and wits, knowing that you can free your mind of all that useless clutter.

I duck another stunning spell. She's not even going for the kill. Probably wants me alive to make an example of. I start laughing. She was always a bit overdramatic about such things. "Come on, you can do better than that!" I feel the curse hit me almost before I see it. Bloody hell, she got me. No matter, someone else'll take her. Then I see where I'm falling, and I know why this room seemed familiar. The darkness, the cold, and that veil, like a dementor's robe. And then I don't have time to think anymore, only to hope that somehow, in death, I can finally escape.


End file.
